Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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