Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
