I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
