that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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