he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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