plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
