I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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