you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
high people should be assigned attendants
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
