using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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