I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
