He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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