i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
