My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
