1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i will never coherently bang her
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
