in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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