Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
