I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
