so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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