I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
BRING THE BAGELS
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
