I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
