The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
