I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
