omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
