Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
