ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
