I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
