I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What a fucking waste of an outfit
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
