you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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