I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
