Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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