I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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