I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
