This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
