Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My vagina is officially offended.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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