thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
