Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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