what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
