totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
