she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
