i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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