My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
