Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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