# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My liver just had a heart attack.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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