Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
