naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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