I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I will be naked everywhere
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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