Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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