I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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