I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
