Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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