FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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