You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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