Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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