I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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