My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
