So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize