yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can text with my tongue
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize