I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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