Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
