Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
