I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
