my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm sobbing to NWA
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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