i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
