Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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