i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
