the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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