Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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