wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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