I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
