I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
