Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
