i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
